Lord of the Maurice
by 100reasonswhy
Summary: In which we see a detailed account of one of the most perilous journeys in all of history. Based after the island...er...but still on an island. Wut. Idk. Just read. T for swearing and general sexiness.
1. Sucks to Roger

"Maurice! It's time to leave!"

Maurice was slightly aggravated that his mother had called him, for he was quite interested in spying on Roger through a pair of binoculars. Roger lived across the street, and Maurice found amusement in his old pal's strange routines. At the moment, Maurice was propped up against the window sill, leaning on his elbows, staring out through his binoculars as Roger passively beheaded another one of his sister's dolls. Maurice grinned. He sure was something, that Roger.

"Maurice! Get down here! Your father needs help applying lotion to his back and I have to load up the car with out suitcases!"

Maurice was sad, because applying lotion to his dad's back was gross.

Nonetheless, Maurice put down his binoculars and wandered down the stairs where his father was waiting for him. His father was strange, because he liked to dress up in Maurice's sister's old prom dresses and dance around. Maurice didn't know why, but he kind of liked it.

"Maurice!" Maurice's father paused his frolic to grin. "The lotion is beside my pocketbook!"

Maurice sighed. "Okay, Father."

Maurice felt like Cinderella sometimes.

**(ohhaiderepagebreak)**

The journey to the airport was long and hard, kind of like his sister's fairy wand. But different, because it didn't sparkle. Or perhaps it did, but Maurice wasn't paying attention because his mind was still focused on Roger and how the hell he was going to spy on him when Roger was back in England and he was vacationing in Italy. He wondered if somehow _maybe_ Roger would be on the plane too, and then they could sit by each other and play tea party with the free condiments.

When they finally reached the airport, Maurice's dad embarrassed him again by trying to eat the excess stuff from their luggage because it was overweight and he was a cheap ass bastard. Maurice screamed when his father ate his binoculars which had been safely situated in Maurice's suitcase. He shed a tear for the binoculars that had witnessed so many wonderful Roger moments with him, then followed his family to board the airplane.

Maurice liked airplanes, mainly because the last time he had been on one, he got to sit next to Roger. He liked sitting next to Roger, because Roger didn't like him, which made him all the more the challenge. Even Maurice didn't like challenges, he liked Roger because he got really angry when Maurice tried to tickle him. Maurice liked tickling people, and he felt lonely when he tried to tickle himself but never laughed.

Once they boarded the plane, Maurice started to feel sad again. There were no signs of Roger, and after all, why would there be? Why would Roger just randomly decide to take a trip to Italy with Maurice's family? But then, all of the sudden, through his peripheral vision, Maurice caught sight of a mop of black hair, which he then realized was really just a mop. But then out of the other side of his eye, he saw two dark eyes staring wildly at him. He looked again and recognized it was just the creepy pervert from down the street, who stalked Maurice, who stalked Roger.

With a heavy sigh, Maurice was ready to give up, but then, he looked forward, and he saw _him_...in first class, of course, sitting there next to a Hot Babe.

It was Roger, in first class, because he was a rich little twerp. Maurice's heart leapt within him, and ignoring the stares from the people around him, he bounded over to his friend.

"Roger!"

Roger glanced of warily and gaped, completely and utterly shocked.

"_Maurice_! What the fuck."

"You're going to Italy too!" Maurice cried, pushing Hot Babe away and taking her seat.

Roger seemed frightened. "What? You're going to Italy? With who?"

"My family!" Maurice said proudly, grinning. He noticed that Roger's family was staring at him weirdly, so he smiled and waved before looking back his friend. "Aren't you happy to see me?"

"Not really," Roger huffed, miffed. "You're pretty annoying."

"I just love you!"

"That's creepy."

"Who's the hot babe?"

"I don't know. She was here when I sat down. Could you leave? I'm trying to enjoy my time alone before I'm stuck in a cramped up hotel room."

This made Maurice sad again, firstly because Maurice didn't want to leave, and secondly because he liked hotel rooms and was offended that someone would insult them.

Maurice sighed, resigned and tired. "Fine. But I'll see you when we get off the plane, right?"

"Whatever." With that, Roger brushed him off, and Maurice idly wandered back to his seat.

**(ohhaiderepagebreak)**

Forty minutes into the flight, Maurice's attention was still completely fixed on Roger. Suddenly, Roger arose to go to the bathroom, and being his usual creepy self, Maurice decided to go with him.

_It will be fun_, Maurice thought, skipping through the aisle and knocking over an old lady, two pregnant women, and stepping on a six-month old baby. His excitement gave strokes to five veterans, but he ignored it because Roger was in the bathroom and he needed to get there ASAP. Then, he could tickle him by surprise.

My god. Maurice was a brilliant son of a bitch.

Because Roger was stupid, he didn't lock the bathroom door, but because Maurice was also stupid, he thought that the door was locked, so he would wait there until Roger came out, and then he would tackle him. And tickle him. With his hands. Or perhaps his feet. Maurice hadn't decided yet.

He heard the toilet flush and the door opened. Roger was greeted presently by Maurice's open arms as he flung Roger back into the bathroom and closed the door behind them.

He didn't lock it, because Maurice was stupid.

Roger screamed, "RAPE!" even though Maurice was tickling him. And then Roger laughed and cried because he was being tickled and it really felt weird. Maurice grinned.

"Ha! I found you!"

"What the fuck!" Roger seemed pissed off.

"I wanted to tickle you!" Maurice exclaimed, smiling. "Can I hug you?"

Roger huffed and flicked his long hair. "No. You can't. Because you have Maurice germs."

"That's what my mum says when I try to hug her." The thought settled on Maurice for a moment for he gasped and grinned. "YOU COULD BE MY MUM!"

Roger gaped and suddenly was felt with a ravenous anger. He went to shove Maurice through the small window of the bathroom, but Maurice was already going for the hug, so as Roger pushed him out the window, Maurice's arms landed across his back and pulled him out as well.

As they fell, Roger screamed and fought away from Maurice's grip, but Maurice just undid his belt.

_Oh god_,Roger thought. _He's going to rape me_! _Before we die, he's going to rape me!_

But Maurice didn't rape him. Instead, he just pulled off his underwear and grinned at the befuddled Roger.

"My dad makes me wear extra large underpants, so we can use them as a parachute!"

Roger barfed, but all the vomit just went up. Maurice cringed back.

"What did you think I was going to do?"

Roger was silent, then realized that they were falling through the air and into the ocean and screamed. Maurice, because he was a little hero and all, let his underwear act as a parachute and the boys safely landed in the ocean with a splash.

There was a random plank of wood in the water that both boys clasped onto, gasping for air. Thoughts bombarded Roger as he realized their situation.

"This feels familiar," Maurice said, ignoring Roger's concern. "Have we done this before?"

"YES!" Roger grimaced. "Don't you remember?"

Maurice thought for a minute, but then was sidetracked because he was alone with Roger.

"Hey Roger! Guess what?"

Roger huffed. "What?"

"I just peed."

Roger sighed and leaned on the plank of wood. This would be a long, long ride


	2. Sucks to Coconuts

**DISCLAIMER: Yeah, don't own anything. THE END. **

Roger woke up, laying in the soft, gritty sand of a beach.

_Oh shit_, he thought, because he really hated beaches and this was all too familiar. Suddenly, there was a sharp jabbing sensation at his cheek, and heard a cry.

"ROGER! WAKE UP, ROGER! I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU SLEEP, AND IT'S TIME TO WAKE UP!"

Roger groaned and opened one eye, staring at the grinning boy before him. In the distance, he could make out the silhouette of a sand sculpture, but not just any sand sculpture-

It was of him. Sleeping. And Maurice watching him. What the fuck.

"Did you sculpt yourself watching me sleep?" Roger was horrified.

Maurice grinned and gave an enthusiastic nod. "Yeah, so that when you woke up, you would know what had happened while you were passed out." Maurice gazed out for a moment, then smiled again. "Look, I found the others!"

Roger was confused. _The others_? He turned to look in the direction of Maurice's gaze and found a scatter of sticks with coconut heads.

"Oh my god," He muttered, staring in bewilderment. Maurice's smile widened as he rushed over to the coconuts.

"See! This is Jack-" He pointed to the tallest coconut stick. "And this is Ralph. I put sand on Ralph's head because we don't like him." Maurice smiled proudly and dumped another handful of sand on 'Ralph's' head. "I sure showed him who's chief!"

Roger only stared, terrified.

Maurice went on. "And here's Samneric, and Bill - Bill was easy, because we were always usually mistaking him for a coconut anyway. There's also Simon, and Piggy and-"

"I get it," Roger snarled. "You made everyone into coconuts."

Maurice shook his head and desperately shrieked, "They're not coconuts! They're my friends." Suddenly, Maurice pulled out a plate of bacon, eggs benedict, toast with jam, and a Starbucks coffee.

Roger gaped. "Where the _hell_ did you get all that _fucking_ food from?"

Maurice nodded as he chewed. "Oh yeah, a cruise ship stopped by and gave me this plate of food."

Roger felt like he had been hit in the face with a million Piggy's.

"And...you...didn't...ask...for..._help_?" His words were thick as they fell from his mouth.

Maurice laughed and patted Roger on the head.

"Oh silly Roger, we needed food if we're gonna survive on this island!"

Roger empathized with Ralph for the first time ever and turned to Maurice in frustration.

"You mean that a fucking cruise ship came by and you took their food when they could've rescued us?"

Maurice shrugged and nodded. "Yeah. But hey, they gave me a pen too! Now we can write SOS letters!"

Maurice began to frolic amongst the coconuts, and Roger stared in dismay. He contemplated throwing himself off the jagged cliff, but then realized that Maurice would probably fish for his dead body and do something really awk with it..but not like _that_, you dirty minded people. Like, pretend he was alive and use it as a puppet. That'd be weird.

Roger shivered and looked towards the jungle.

"I'm gonna explore."

Maurice looked up from his phone and seemed frenzied at the idea. "No, no! That's Jack and Ralph and Simon's job!"

Roger glared down at the phone in Maurice's hands and gawked.

"You have a phone?"

Maurice nodded.

"And it works?"

He nodded again.

"It has reception, then?"

Another nod.

Roger reached expectantly for the device. "Give it here or call for help _now_."

Maurice shook his head. "No! Never! I'm in the middle of an intense round of Temple Run!"

"You can play Temple Run after we're rescued." Roger gritted his teeth together.

Maurice sighed. "Hang on. Let me put some music on to fit the mood." Suddenly, One Direction's _Live Why We're Young_ was blasting from Maurice's phone. Roger was seething.

"_Maurice_! Give it here! NOW!"

"Can't hear you over my music!" Maurice jeered and danced to the horrendous beat of the song. Roger chased him for the phone when suddenly, the music ceased and Maurice huffed.

"Aw shit! I forgot my phone was only at 10% battery! It must've dropped out!" Roger fell head first to the sand and groaned, holding back bitter tears. Maurice knelt down and shrugged beside him.

"Oh well. I guess we could use it for the fire."

Roger perked at the mention of a fire. "Fire?" Previously on the island, Ralph had said that a fire could act as a signal for rescue. Quite frankly, Roger wasn't keen on becoming a savage with _just _Maurice, because Maurice was weird and smelt like glitter, so being rescued seemed like a bright idea. Roger propped himself up on his elbows and stared at Maurice.

"How do you start a fire with a phone?"

Maurice grinned and patted Roger on the head again, tousling his dark hair. _God_, Roger hated when he did that.

With a sly look, Maurice cracked his fingers and took his phone. "Here Roger, I'll show you." With that, he tossed his phone at the nearest rock and watched in anticipation as the device crashed against the rock and shattered.

Nothing happened.

Roger groaned again and flopped in the sand. "You're an idiot."

"Just wait, Roger, it'll happen-"

"You're an idiot."

Suddenly, there a crackling noise and the spontaneous blast of heat on Roger's back. He looked up and saw a fire where the shattered pieces of Maurice's phone once had been. There were a few logs burning too, which was odd, because Roger didn't recall seeing any logs being used to start the fire. Roger's jaw dropped as Maurice cheered.

"See! I told you!" Maurice laughed.

Roger shook his head dumbly. "How the fuck did you do that? Where did those logs come from?"

Maurice smirked and sat down with his breakfast plate. "There's an app for that."

**(ohhaiderepagebreak)**

Roger lurked through the tangled forest, a sharpened spear firm in his hands. After the fire, he had resulted to making one. That was the only good thing about being stuck on this island anyway - he could have a spear. He bent down till his belly scratched the forest's creepers and shimmied his way across the floor, sniffing for any sources of meat. Hunting skills initiated.

Out of the blue (literally), there was the deafening Tarzan-like cry as Maurice swung down from a tree on a tattered vine, a cow hanging from his mouth.

Roger screamed as he ducked the swinging boy and mooing cow and glared.

"Maurice!" He yelled. "What the fuck are you doing?"

Maurice landed on his bum and carefully dropped the cow from his mouth, walking over to Roger. "I was hunting."

"Where did you get that cow?" Exasperation couldn't even define Roger's feelings.

Maurice smiled. "Silly Roger, you don't know how to hunt."

"What?" Roger was seething.

"In order to catch your prey, you must unleash your inner predator."

"I'm a fucking sadist," said Roger. "I think I've unleashed my predator."

Maurice promptly ignored him, and went about the area on all fours.

"You must be the cow!"

Roger stared in pathetic sympathy. "What?"

"You must feel the cow!"

"_What_?"

"You must love the cow!"

"Maurice!"

"Because _you gotta be a cow to eat a cow_!"

Roger watched, his mouth agape, as Maurice hugged up against the cow and sang.

"That's cannibalism," Roger added quietly.

"No Roger." There were evident tears of joy in Maurice's eyes. "It's called..._embracing_

the cow."

In the distance, a strange sound could be heard. It sounded like a party, like a boatload of _girls_. With a quick glance at each other, they nodded and ran towards the beach, curiosity burning within their souls.

**A/N**: THANKS FOR REVIEWS:D Review responses:

**Nightkill**: Maurice is pretty awesome. Glad you like the story. Thank you very much:D

**A reader**: Rofl.

**wholockflies**: Yeah, they're pretty awesome. Maurice has become pretty overly affectionate which is strange, because in the book he's like hardly affectionate at all. Thanks for your support:


	3. Sucks to be a Victoria's Secret Model

**Disclaimer**: STILL DON'T OWN ANYTHING. Yep. THE END.

**REVIEW RESPONSES:**

**wholockflies: **Embracing the cow? It's quite a common practice:D

**Hammsters**: (both reviews) Creeper obsessions are definitely fun:D And yes. That would be an awkward talk.

**Nightkill:** Why thank you, but I really owe it to Maurice. He's my INSPIRATION *has twinkling things in eyes*.

**NOW ON WITH THE PRODUCTION:**

Roger couldn't believe his eyes. Had he died and gone to Heaven? Probably not, because if he died, he would go to Hell. Oh well.

There, crashed upon the shore, was an entire boatload of Victoria Secret models. Holy shit. Roger gaped as a brunette waved him over.

"Ermagerd, it's a boy! Quick, come here!"

Roger obeyed and walked towards the tattered ship, staring up at the girl. She looked concerned.

"Have we crashed?" She asked. Roger wanted to slap himself because she was stupid.

"Yes," he said with little sarcasm. The girl dramatically sighed.

"Oh no! Our captain died of a cuteness-bikini overload and nobody knew how to drive a ship so we crashed!"

Roger raised his eyebrow and winked "Well, you crashed at the right place."

All of the sudden, Maurice came bounding down the beach, jumped up on Roger's shoulders, leaped onto the ship, and tackled the brunette. All the girls screamed and Roger wanted to kill him. Literally.

Maurice had picked up the brunette girl by the tips of her toes and now dangled her carelessly from the deck.

"You're not s'posed to be here!" He cried, shaking his head.

Roger was aghast.

"Maurice! What the _hell_ are you doing?"

"There was no boatload of Victoria Secret models on the island before!" Maurice replied, pouting like a five-year-old.

"So?" Roger hopped up on the deck. "There are _now_."

Maurice paused to think about Roger's acquisition, then promptly threw the brunette onto the sand and belly-flopped onto her. Roger screamed and Maurice slowly sat up.

"Thanks for cushioning my fall, Brunette Hot Babe!" he exclaimed as he glanced at Roger. "Maybe you were right!"

Roger's hopes were lifted.

"I _am_ right," Roger repeated, jumping off the ship and landing in the soft sand. "And as long as we're all here together, I propose to take on the role of Chief." He threw an offhand glance at the Ralph coconut stick and kicked it over, laughing snidely. "From here on out, _I'll_ be chief, and I'll be a good chief, too. We'll have pig - er, cow hunts, I guess- and barbecues. We'll create our own calendar and call it 'Roger', and we'll name this island, 'Roger', and that rock over there can be-"

He was cut short by the sound of a huge explosion. Roger whipped around as soon as he heard the obliterating blast, followed by the triumphant sound of Maurice's voice.

"I showed those Nazi bastards!"

Roger watched in horror (but kind of pleased, because he was a sadist) as bits of Victoria Secret models rained down across the island, bathing everything in red, sticky blood.

Roger gritted his teeth as he wiped away a finger from his forehead.

"Why did you do that, Maurice?" He glanced at the exploded ship. "And where did you get that explosive stuff?"

Maurice hopped out from behind the ship, completely unscathed by the marring attack.

"We were reenacting World War II." He stared around in triumph. "And I won! YAY ENGLAND!"

"But where did you get the explosives?" Roger walked towards Maurice, holding back his angry fist. Oh. My. God.

Maurice casually wiped away some blood from a palm tree and leaned against it.

"Remember how that cruise ship gave me that breakfast plate and this pen?" He pulled out the pen and started clicking it. Roger tore it away in irritation.

"Yes."

"And remember how I made our entire tribe and stuff with those coconuts?"

Roger huffed. "Yes?"

"Well, remember how just a few seconds ago, you kicked Ralph's head off?"

"You mean how I kicked the coconut off the stick-"

"-that was Ralph-"

"Yes!" He looked at Maurice in apprehension. "And stop saying 'remember when'!"

"Well, when remember that the cruise ship gave me coconut dynamite."

Roger just stared, his mouth agape. "What? Speak English."

"Well...er..._remember when_ the cruise ship gave me coconut dynamite?"

"No!" Roger yelled. "I don't remember when a cruise ship gave you coconut dynamite!"

Maurice smiled. "Weeeelllllll...they did. And that pen you're holding is the detonator. When you beheaded Ralph, the coconut head rolled over to me, and we were reenacting World War II so...I blew them up."

"You what?" Roger dropped the pen and gawked.

"I blew them up. And now it's raining Victoria Secret Models." A pair of pink panties landed on Maurice's head and he laughed. "WOO FREE MERCHANDISE!"

Roger sat down, dug a little hole in the sand, crawled in it, and cried.

**(ohhaiderepagebreak)**

Three hours later, (somehow) Maurice had cleaned up the Victoria Secret mess and Roger had finally stopped crying. He had never cried before in his life, but now that he was stuck on an island with Maurice and had missed the opportunity of getting rescued or chilling with a bunch of models, he couldn't help but sob.

Maurice, on the other hand, had been hunting, and brought back three cows, an elephant, and a banana. He ate the elephant on the way because the cows and the banana would be much too filling.

Roger watched in distaste as Maurice walked up on the beach and dumped his hunting load.

"Hey Roger!" He waved over and Roger laid back in his hole.

"Please go away," he said quietly. "Please, please, please, please-"

"I ate the elephant," Maurice admitted shamefully as he walked up next to Roger. "But I saved you a leg!"

From behind his back, Maurice materialized an elephant leg. He went to give it to Roger, but accidentally hit the raven haired boy in the stomach, sending him sprawling backwards into the forest. As Roger was swung away, Maurice stared down at his elephant-leg-baseball-bat and shrugged.

"Roger baseball!" He laughed, running into the forest after Roger. Roger had been slammed up against a palm tree and now sadly was murmuring, "Why me, why me, why me..."

"I also got three cows," Maurice informed Roger upon reaching him. "But I only got one banana, because those are far too heavy."

Roger stared upon the horizon is disdain.

**(ohhaiderepagebreak)**

Maurice insisted upon cooking the banana that night, so the three cows he hunted lay rotting in a corner, filling Roger's lungs with even more foul aromas.

"Let's sing a camp fire song," Maurice proposed from over the fire.

Roger rolled his eyes. "I don't sing."

"But you were in choir-"

"I don't sing."

"That's alright," Maurice grinned. "I'll sing."

Roger cringed. "Please don't-"

"_There was a sadist who had a spear,_

_And Roger was his name-o,_

_R-O-G-E-R_

_R-O-G-E-R_

_R-O-G-E-R_

_And Roger was his name-o!"_

Maurice's voice was hearty and cheerful, so cheerful, it made Roger want to puke.

"Please stop," he pleaded, but Maurice continued.

"_There was a blonde who had a conch,_

_And Ralph was his name-o,_

_R-A-L-P-H_

_R-A-L-P-H_

_R-A-L-P-H_

_And Roger kicked his head off!"_

"Okay, Maurice, please-"

"_There was a guy who we forgot,_

_And Bill was his name-o-_"

"OKAY MAURICE." Roger slammed his fist down and glared. "Enough."

After a moment of darkened silence, Roger massaged his temples and glanced up at the sky. "How the fuck does all this happen in one day?"

A piece of a pink bra fluttered down and fell lightly on his head. Roger huffed. Maurice laughed


	4. Sucks to Barbara

**Disclaimer**: If I didn't own anything last time, I sure as hell don't own anything this time.

**Review Responses:**

**daspartanreviewer: **Bacon is good. I hope Obama enjoys this. I hope it brightens his day.

**Hammsters**: Roger's pain is amusing XD

**Nightkill**: Who's Bill? :D WWII reenactment - credits to my brother for that one. He's co-writing this with me.

* * *

Maurice woke up early in the morning. The sun basked down on his skin, and there was a whole bunch of sand in his hair because that's typically what happens if you sleep on the beach. Roger was still asleep across from him, looking peaceful for once. Maurice smiled. _He's probably dreaming about killing puppies and eating kittens. He's so sweet._

And no, that was not sarcastic. Maurice really thought Roger was sweet, and he was allergic to kittens, so Roger eating them wasn't a big deal at all. Not at all.

Maurice arose, stretched his already-somehow-sunburned shoulders, and walked towards the forest. He waved at his coconut friends and saluted to the Jack one, because he was chief and you had to salute to chief. He was about to say hello to the coconut people when he noticed that the Bill one had gone missing. Then he suddenly forgot who Bill even was and moved on.

Maurice was forgetful.

Maurice frolicked into the forest, skipping and laughing.

"I'm going to hunt three elephants today for Roger!"

Maurice disappeared into the forest.

* * *

Roger awoke almost choking to death because of the tide that had sucked him in last night. There was salt water up his nose, and if any of you have ever been to the beach, you should know that hurts like fucking hell. That shit is crazy. Anyways, because Roger is a sadist, not a masochist, people, he hated the pain of having salt water clogged up in the back of his throat, and promptly coughed up at least three pints of salt water.

* * *

Maurice returned from the forest with two elephants and one elephant leg (he ate one on the way - he was _reallyyyy_ hungry), and dumped his game along the sandy beach. Maurice went to go wake Roger up to tell him of his grand catch, but Roger was nowhere to be found. Dark thoughts dawned upon the brunette. _What if Roger jumped off that cliff_? That's alright, because Maurice would fish his body out and Roger would be okay. Besides, he had his coconut friends. Minus Ralph, because he blew up.

Suddenly, Maurice heard a terrible shriek, one which could only belong to Roger. Maurice noticed that the scream was coming from the destroyed wreckage of the ship. Without another thought, Maurice frolicked over, singing a song about daisies in the process. Daisies were nice, and deserved a song every once and a while.

When he finally arrived at the flotsam of the ship, he saw Roger trying to climb up the side of ship. He was failing miserably, and there was a nasty cut on his leg.

Maurice shook his head and smiled_. Silly Roger_, _Trix are for kids_. _Oops, wrong thing. Silly Roger, climbing is for professionals_. _Like muah. Kiss kiss. What._

Maurice had ADHD.

Maurice did a cool little dive thing into the water (which was quite shallow, mind you) and swam towards the boat. Roger hadn't seen him yet, which was good, because he'd probably try to swim back into the ocean to get away from Maurice. Suddenly, Roger pulled himself up on the broken ship and began frantically waving his arms as if he was trying to catch someone's attention.

Maurice smiled. _Aww, he wants me to see him do a backflip into the water! He's grown up so much over the past six minutes_! _Like muah. Kiss kiss. What. DAMN IT WHY DO I KEEP DOING THAT? Ooh, is that a lady bug...come here! C'mon, little buggy..._

Maurice really needed medication. Desperately.

Maurice's thoughts (i...if you can call them that...) were interrupted by the sound of a roaring jet engine. Roger was shouting now.

"OH FUCK PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE LAND!"

Maurice laughed. Roger looked like a emo seal dancing around like that. Suddenly, the plane dropped perilously close to Roger, and a little bottle with a parachute was released. The plane continued to fly away even after dropping the little bottle. Roger watched in horror as his only chance of rescue disintegrated from his view.

Roger yelled, "WHAT THE FUCK, FUCK, DROPPING A FUCKING BOTTLE ON MY HEAD YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES, I HOPE YOU EXPLODE YOU FUCKIN-"

The plane exploded.

Roger looked at his hand, then at the falling bottle, the crumbling plane, and finally, over at Maurice. Strangely, he was still chasing that ladybug from earlier, almost like a dog chasing its tail.

"I'm gonna getcha!" Maurice cooed as he reached for the flying bug. "Maurice is gonna getcha!" He caught the eye of Roger and smiled.

"I'm gonna get it," Maurice said promptly, completely unfazed by the plane that was now nothing. Roger gaped as the falling bottle tapped him lightly on the head. Carefully, he reached for it, tore off the cute parachute with a picture of McJagger printed on it, and uncorked the bottle. Sadly, there was no wine, for that's what Roger had hoped for.

Maurice saw his friend looking at something and instantly skipped over, all thoughts of that treacherous ladybug gone. He climbed onboard the ship with Roger and saw the bottle in his hands. Thoughts immediately inundated the brunette's mind.

_Oh my god, it's a bottle from...from...from...Piggy! He's come to get revenge...kill...Roger...kill...Bill...wait, who's Bill? _

Sensing a threat, Maurice lunged at Roger, tackled him, tore the bottle from his hands, and smashed it on the floor, then screamed like the Hulk.

"MAURICE HUNGRY! MAURICE SMASH!" He stomped his feet around to emphasize his point. Roger looked royally pissed off.

"Maurice," He said in a very tired voice. "Please..._please_, do me a favor and jump off that cliff."

Maurice laughed. "Silly Roger, that would kill me!"

Roger's glare told Maurice that he understood exactly what jumping off a cliff meant, and suddenly, Maurice was sad.

"Hey!" Maurice cried, tears already falling down his cheeks. "B-but Roger, i-if that happened, then, then...I wouldn't get to be with you, and we couldn't hunt anymore elephants...and couldn't reenact anymore World War II battles...and...I...I NEED A HITLER BRO! I NEED SOMEONE TO - hey, is that a paper?" Maurice was now smiling gaily at a cool looking paper that lay on the ground amidst that shattered pieces of glass. He squealed and started jumping up and down. "IT'S A PAPER! ROGER, YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?"

Roger had already started reaching for the paper. "It's means you're not allowed to go near it-"

"No!" Maurice shrieked, impassioned by the joy of finding the paper. "It's means we have _toilet_ paper, Roger! _Toilet_ paper!"

Maurice went to grab the paper and presently 'use' it, but Roger already had the limp thing in his grasp and was glaring at the brunette.

"Nooooo," Roger muttered in a harsh whisper. "Let's _not_ destroy the last piece of sanity I may still have."

Maurice grinned and laughed. "Who needs sanity when you're a _sadist_?"

Roger would've responded, but he was too absorbed in the letter he was now opening. In a clear voice, he began to read.

"_Dear Maurice_-" He stopped right there. _Maurice_?

Maurice glanced over excitedly and pointed to himself. "That's ME, Roger! ME!"

"You don't say," Roger mumbled before continuing. "_Dear Maurice, don't ask how we knew where to send this letter to. You see, when you were born, you were chosen for a special operation known as Operation Special, which is a special operation that consists of operations of the special sort. As soon as you were born, a special chip was implanted into your bladder, so that if we ever needed to erect (that's what she said) Operation Special, we could know where you were. Anyways, as you can tell, Operation Special has been...(I'm taking off my sunglasses right now)...erected. There has been an overnight zombie apocalypse, just as we feared might happen. Anyway, long story short, everyone in the world is dead or they're zombies, which kind of sucks. Because you were conveniently stranded on deserted island, you will not have to face the wrath of the disease, but you are also the last person on Earth, unless someone is conveniently with you, which would be convenient. (to my secretary - fuck you Barbara, this fucking pen sucks!) Even I will soon be either dead or a zombie, and my last wish is right these instructions to you. Maurice, the fate of the world rests on your shoulders_."

Roger was interrupted by Maurice, who was gasping. Roger met his...er, friend...not really...he met Maurice's gaze and glared.

"What?"

Maurice looked flustered. "Barbara gave him a suckish pen."

"That's what you got out of that? That Barbara gave him a suckish pen?"

Maurice looked offended. "Well, that's the only important thing anyway."

Roger looked up at the sky and held back tears. _The whole entire fate of the human fucking race rests in the hands of someone who thinks pens and secretaries are more important than saving the world. God help me..._

Sighing, Roger continued. "_I got scared for a second, where were you guys? Ah, just kidding. You see, I kind of figured you'd take a break after I said, __**the world rests on your shoulders**__(Damn it, Barbara, my coffee's cold!). You see, Maurice, since by the time you read this, everyone will be dead, I need you to repopulate the entire human race. If whoever you are conveniently stranded on an island with is not conveniently a girl, I have ensured that you will still be able to carry out lots of babies through uninfected women. I sent a boatload of Victoria Secret Models for you to do so. With them, you will save the human race_." Roger paused, digested this, and broke into tears.

Maurice was still confused. Barbara sounded like a bitch.

"Those models you blew up," Roger began, speaking through bitter tears. "-yeah, you..._we_, for god's sake, were supposed to save the human race with them. Now they're _dead_. The human race is _gone_."

"And Barbara made cold coffee." Maurice was truly disgusted. "What kind of world do we live in? Piggy tries to attack you from the dead, and this poor, dying man can't even enjoy a juicy pen or warm coffee-"

"SHUT UP! Wait - what was that about Piggy?"

Maurice stared upon Roger in pity and reached out to pat his head. "Such innocence...continue forth, Roger. I want to know if Barbara ever gets her act together."

Roger sighed, wiped his tear-stained cheeks, and read on.

"_You took a break again, didn't you? You guys can't focus. My god. Anyway, since Maurice usually fucks everything up, he probably fucked this up too. Never fear. I have a supply of Abercrombie female models in store where you will be able to reach them and repopulate the Earth, just in case the Victoria Secret models somehow blew up or something. Ha. That's crazy. (Barbara...BARBARA, FUCK YOU, WHY WOULDN'T YOU HOOK UP WITH ME AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY? FUCK YOU. IS CHASE BETTER LOOKING THAN ME? IS THAT IT? FUCK YOU). Problem is, because if you did blow up the Victoria's Secret models, well, I'm probably dead by the time you're getting this, (fuck you Barbara, I hope you feel guilty now), so I won't be able to have the models delivered to you this time. You're going to have to go out and find them. However, after I send this letter, I am nuking the entire world (save your island...see Barbara, I am nice) to destroy the disease of zombieninus, which is a flu virus, and then the actual zombie virus, fickyuamurica. They are located on Guantanamo Bay, conveniently. Well, not really convenient, because that's really far away from you. Sucks to suck. (only if Barbara would've done that...you hear that, Barbara? You hear that?) Well, I should go now. My time is running out. I'll be a zombie any moment now, any fucking argggggg marggggggg merrrrrrr braiiiiinnnss oooooooooorrrr mmmmeeeeeeeehhhhhhh gaaaaaaaaaaaarrgggg baarrrbbbbbbaarrrrrraaaaaa fiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrckkkkkk yuuuuuuuuu geeeeeeeeepppppp._

_ Sincerely,_

_The President of Arrhhhhh Muuuuuurrrr Eiiiiiiiii Cuuuuuuhhhh."_

Roger looked and Maurice, and Maurice looked at a tree and thought it looked similar to a boy he once knew. Roger cleared his throat, for he was about to talk, but suddenly, Maurice started speaking his thoughts aloud.

"You know, that tree really looks like someone I know. Roger? No, Roger's right next to me. Roger? I feel like I said him already. ROGER? No, Roger's head is rounder than that tree. Who was it...my god, who was it...Snape, Snape, Snape, Severus Snape...DUMBLEDORE...Singing my song, all day long, with ROGERRRRR...I found the source of the ticking noise..._OH I'M ROGER WHAT IS IT_...It's your mom! _OH THAT'S A JOLLY GOOD ONE MAURICE YOU ARE THE BEST, YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND, AND I WILL NEVER EVER GO AWAY FROM YOU EVER. NO HOMO_. Oh Roger, Roger you! _OH STOP IT YOU SCHNITZEL_..." he trailed off for a moment, ignored Roger's horrified glare, and continued. "That Barbara...that bitch...making cold coffee. And who's she to judge who to hook up with at the Christmas party? I think The President of Arrrhhhhh Muuurrrrr Eiiiiii Cuuuuhhhhh sounds nice. Kind of. I wonder how my parents are doing. Oh right, they're dead. HEY! I guess Ralph's finally dead too! I WIN! I WIN! Wait till I tell Roger...he's gonna hug me so tight...Wait till I tell Bill...Bill...huh...is that the guy who looks like the tree? I can't remember what Bill is. Isn't that something you get in the mail for buying stuff? I don't know. Whatever. Muah. Kiss kiss. What."

"Maurice..." Roger's voice was flared and angry, his eyes like two dark orbs of death. Maurice snapped into reality and realized he had been speaking his thoughts out loud.

Sadly, he looked up at Roger and sighed. "I did it again, didn't I?"

* * *

**A/N**: WOW I HAVE A PLOT! I came up with this with my brother as we poked each other with sticks that we put in our bonfire. What. I don't even know. But I have a plot! Woo.

Check out my newest, _dramatic _story, _Crumble to Infinity_. If you want, you can review and make me happy. Hey, you can even review this. That'll make me happy too. Especially because I put so much effort into Maurice's thoughts. Heh. Effort.

Alright, adios!

* * *

**Bonus Content**:

**Piggy**: *is in plane right before it explodes*

**Maurice**: *is running to smash the bottle in Roger's hands*

**Piggy**: NO FUCK NO!

**Maurice**: *smashes bottle and acts like hulk*

**Roger**: *is pissed off*

**Piggy**: *glares down at Roger and smiles creepily* I almost got you Roger, I almost got you!

**Plane**: *explodes*

**Dumb Ways to Die**: *is the theme song for this epic*

**END:D**


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